- I'll say this: Don Jurwich's G.I. Joe: The Movie features an absolutely amazing opening sequence in which the evil forces of Cobra attack the Statue of Liberty on what appears to be the 4th of July. As advertised in the theme song, G.I. Joe is there, fighting for freedom wherever there's trouble over land, sea, and air. More specifically, there's a bunch of dudes flying around in jetpacks, shooting lasers at each other and exploding things, which is the best possible 5-minute summary of what G.I. Joe is all about. After that, the rest of the movie feels like something of a letdown.
- I should commend the film's writers for trying to broaden the G.I. Joe mythology by introducing Cobra-La, a hidden land ruled by the diabolical mastermind Golobulus (Burgess Meredith), his deadly assistant Pythona (Jennifer Darling), and, well, a big guy named Nemesis Enforcer (Peter Cullen). Cobra-La is a strange organic world populated by towering plants, bizarre insects, and of course snakes, and it turns out to be the civilization responsible for unleashing both Cobra Commander (Chris Latta) and Serpentor (Dick Gautier) upon the world. Their current plan for world domination involves mutating humanity into snakes, so at least they're thematically consistent.
- Standing in opposition are the forces of G.I. Joe, whose roster is far too deep for each character to be named individually. Of particular note in this movie are new recruits Falcon (Don Johnson), Jinx (Shuko Akune), Law (Ron Ortiz), Tunnel Rat (Laurie Faso), Chuckles, and Big Lob (Brad Sanders), of whom only Jinx is neither annoying nor embarrassing. Also introduced are Sgt. Slaughter's special training corps consisting of Red Dog (Poncie Ponce), Mercer (Christopher Tabori), and Taurus (Earl Boen). As an aside, the accomplishment of which I am most proud in my entire life is that I submitted Poncie Ponce's name to the IMDB for this film. You're welcome, culture.
- Aside from the film's first five minutes, the best parts of G.I. Joe: The Movie involve the Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind-inspired design of Cobra-La and the occasional surprising eruption of body horror. The most laughable parts are the usual outlandish costuming (A basketball player! A shirtless scientist!!) and the constant mention of the Broadcast Energy Transmitter, which is somehow even funnier when it gets abbreviated B.E.T. The film's art and animation shift jarringly between great and cut-rate, and it's pretty obvious that Duke (Michael Bell) died in the original cut only to be rescued by some last-minute offscreen dialogue. Although G.I. Joe: The Movie was technically made first, it seems forever doomed to live in the shadow of the vastly superior Transformers: The Movie, which certainly did not hesitate to kill off its heroes.
