- Location: Blue Mouse Theatre
- Stop me if you've heard this one: Batman, Superman, and Wolverine walk into a bar.
- Superman: Hey, you guys come here, too? No way!
- Batman: I spotted Wolverine's motorcycle outside and cross-referenced Superman's flight patterns with nearby drinking establishments. I would have been surprised if you weren't here.
- Wolverine: Yeah, I smelled you guys a mile away. Speaking of which, those are some seriously scruffy beards. And people call me an animal!
- Batman: At least mine will be easy to shave.
- Superman: Ha ha, oh man, isn't it great to go someplace remote where you can get away from it all for a while? And I love the snow!
- Wolverine: You can say that again, bub.
- Batman: So what brings you both here?
- Superman: Well, there's no easy way to say this, but I allowed my dad to be killed.
- Batman: How old were you when it happened?
- Superman:...It was just a few weeks ago.
- Batman: Oh, uh...well, I'm sure you did all you could.
- Superman: Nope, I pretty much just watched it happen.
- Wolverine: Don't be too hard on yourself. If I remembered who my father was, I'd probably kill him, too.
- Batman: I'd be more comfortable discussing a different subject. What are you both planning to do next?
- Superman: Well, I met a girl and now I think it's time I finally reentered society.
- Wolverine: That's funny, because I met a girl and now I think it's time I finally reentered society, too.
- Batman: Hmmm...I sometimes dream about a girl I used to know who would have wanted me to reenter society. Does that count?
- Wolverine: Rogue is like fifteen years old.
- Superman:...
- Batman:...
- Wolverine: So...do you guys ever worry that somebody from your past is going to reappear to complicate things?
- Batman: Ever since I saved my mentor's life but rejected his penchant for assassination.
- Wolverine: Yeah, somebody put these metal claws and stuff in me, but I don't remember the details. Tough to imagine that won't come back to haunt me.
- Superman: Well, that's one thing I shouldn't have to worry about. I'm an alien from another planet. Probably the only one. What are the chances of any more showing up?
- Batman: You should be pretty safe, logically speaking. Tell me, do you guys ever worry about killing people?
- Wolverine: You mean, like am I doing it wrong?
- Batman: No, no, I mean avoiding it at all costs and swearing never to take another's life.
- Superman: Wait, does gross negligence count?
- Wolverine: You guys are wimps.
- Batman: Superman, I do have a somewhat personal question for you. How do you keep the cape looking so clean? This black hides a lot of sins.
- Superman: Actually, my dad picked it out for me.
- Batman: The dead one?
- Superman: No. Well, yes. It's complicated.
- Wolverine: Not to interrupt, but who do you think has the best villains? I think it's Batman.
- Superman: Yeah, it's Batman.
- Batman: It's definitely me.
- All: We should do this again sometime.
- Whether or not my attempt at humor conveyed it, I feel there is a certain bland sameness to many modern action films that is exemplified by Zack Snyder's Man of Steel. I'm talking about punching, 'splosions, daddy issues, problems from out of the past, and "breaking your one rule." In the case of Man of Steel and the equally underwhelming Star Trek: Into Darkness, the filmmakers didn't even feign originality. Each title was essentially an unabashed remake of the second offering from a thirty-year-old film series, but with dramatically diminishing returns. And no, you can't blame the acting talent. Benedict Cumberbatch possesses a remarkably magnetic screen presence, but Ricardo Montalban is Khan. Likewise, Michael Shannon does his best with Man of Steel, but how could he be more impressive than Terence Stamp? The point is not that the actors aren't up to these admittedly herculean tasks, but rather that the production never should have put anyone in that position. Especially the audience.
- Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely's All-Star Superman dealt with the Man of Steel's origin story in one page, using just three frames to reference everything we already knew before getting to the original stuff. Man of Steel spends what feels like an eternity re-destroying Superman's parents (Russell Crowe and Ayelet Zurer) and Krypton for the umpteenth time and then never takes the new version anywhere interesting. This time around, the eventually grown-up Clark Kent (Henry Cavill) feels sorry for himself because he let his adoptive father (Kevin Costner) die in a tornado. Come to think of it, he probably should feel bad about that, and it's a wonder his adoptive mother (Diane Lane) lets him off the hook so easily. At any rate, Kent runs off to some snowy remote locations to brood, but the rogue Kryptonian General Zod (Shannon) seeks him out to retrieve a genetic codex MacGuffin something-or-other. Before long, it's Superman vs. the military agents (including Christopher Meloni and Harry Lennix) vs. rogue Kryptonians (including Antje Traue). The action sequences are myriad and visually confusing.
- Hey, is it weird that the character of Perry White, played in this film by Laurence Fishburne and in Superman Returns by Frank Langella, was the acting highlight of both films? Amy Adams' Lois Lane is decent, although the same pervasive friendliness that makes her so well-suited to animated and/or muppet productions proves a slight detriment in playing a tough-as-nails reporter. The immensely talented Crowe looks about as comfortable with his role as the magically reappearing Jor-El as his predecessor Marlon Brando did, but again the actors are hardly the problem. Lex Luthor shows up only in his company's ubiquitous branding, and Jimmy Olsen is nowhere to be found...unless he was the one holding the camera for the film's obnoxious, over-deployed handheld space camerawork? Battlestar Galactica did it better, Jimmy. At any rate, I don't know whether to be happy or sad that no live-action Superman film has yet topped the Fleischer cartoons or Superman: The Animated Series. Maybe it's time they stopped trying.
- The film also featured Richard Schiff as Emil Hamilton, Michael Kelly as Steve Lombard, Mackenzie Gray as Jax-Ur, and BSG veterans Tahmoh Penikett and Alessandro Juliani.
